bus tripp
it was a crazy effed up trip on the bus.. the first night i was fucking stressed because i kind of partied my way all the way till tuesday afternoon and nothing packed..so i found myself freaking out pounding packing and shipping all my precious possions into a perfectly packed packages.. at the pace of a speeding mullet.. i even worked up somewhat of a musk type odor.. my man sweat glistening in the moonlight..sexy i know but keep it in your pants.. so we made the bus with seconds to spare jacob kissed off his little french hussie and we rolled out of town thanks to the help of my jewish posse who gave us a lift..
so the first night we talked quite a bit of things to come and made a couple bus buddiess ( the extra s is for sexy) then popped back a healthy dose of dxm.. squirming in the seamen soked seats tripping out to jimmi hendrix type trips all to the beat of the beatles blairing in my brain.. stubled off the bus for ham and cheese mid trip.. then switched busses in bum fuck ontario but were unable to speak full sentances nor walk in a straight line .. which was interesing .. ended up losing my guitar.. which i realised the following morning causing me to adopt turrets for but a day..stopped for ham and cheese again a couple of times during the day.. i chatted up this sensational non french girl from montreal.. the words coming out of my mouth were complete jibberish .. the words coming from my heart were pure gold.. then she started knitting and passed out around 9 .. at which point me and jacob decied that since the bus was practicly empty and everybody was asleep that what the fuck lets take an insane amount of drugs and see what happens.. yay! we shouted as if from a small town where you cousin is most liikely your brother aswell. though we were jonesing for some weed .. but hark. and angel. with three beautifull words.. you got papers? and the smile we got.. ah.. priceless. so we lent him the papers he rolled a joint which we childishly smoked in the bathroom of the bus pushing the smoke out the vent and making farting sounds to avoid suspicion. sat back down.. threw on the headphones . .. i was listening to blue mand group and jacob chemicial brothers.. then it hit us.the last thing i remember is our tattoo friend saying i like opiates. then BAM!. the night went on with us shivering in our seats kicked back and flying through space on a couch sent from god.. i was in the amazon and was king of a tribe. i rode a lion.. then when exploring the mountians. and the rest is kind of a blur..all i remeber is waking up to the sight of jacob pulling me back into reality and in slow motion saying.. doesnt it suck to be sober.. he looked as if a kid on christmas morning eyes gaze hair upright with a smile the size of kentucky.. all he could say is i saw god
and i believed him.. it was by far the most powerfull experience i have had in my life so far..thats when me and jacob concured that the only possible way to describe the experience would be to compare it to high fiveing god.. thus instantly striking us with the inspiration for jacobs tattoo.. he is going to have michelangelos creation of adam .. with him and god in midts of a holy high five.. which i must say kicks sacred ass! the rest of the day however we were out of commision.. i spent much time sleeping and half watching movies.. whist our bus driver MEIN KOMFF! barked us in and out of the bus on a schedual tighter then a virgin anus.. i also spent more time with our buss buddy who ended up following us all the way to manitoba..and who i must admit i actully develloped quite a thing for considering how fucked up i was.. she stunk as bad as i did and i loved it.. and she seemed to think we were pretty damn funny. jacob rolled a joint in the middle of the bustation at 6 am using my snowboard as a table..we got a nice stinky picture of the thee of us .. we ate nothing but ham and cheese from border to border. the third night we had lost our bus buddy..and decided that we should finish the trip the way we started tripping the fuck out. so we found some syrop and dxm"ed it up.. though jacob for some reason didnt get much of a trip.. and kept pulling me out from my god walk.. we ended up stumbling into a gas staton around 3am which was possibly the haredst thing id ever had to do.. i could barely stand it took me 10 min to walk 15 feet.. that moring we rolled into edmonton. still fucked out of our trees . trying to hail a cab at 5am.. scared off a one or 2 till finally jamming all my shit into the only cab that would have us.. but luckily my guitar had found its own way home. which was cool.. we came over to jacobs lady friends house.. ha the shower of the century.. and danced around jumping on the trampoline for the next hour. then finally crashed.. woke up went to see jon. i thought good finally some good sober fun. 10 min later we had smoked 5 joints.and were begining to drool on eachother..
so far since ive been here all we have been doing is smoking up and driving differnt places to get food. i ended up spending christmas with jacobs family because my mom is in calgary.. but my cousin jessy (from quebec) who is down for training came with me and met my family.. we ate like kings. jacobs mom fucking rules.. all i said was. damn a mid noon snack would be fucking awsome.. and poof chocolate caramel popcon a bowls full appears infront of me.. CARAMEL CHOCOLATE FRIGGIN POPCORN!! can you think of a better snack.. i cant.. i wont.. we ate like kings. smoked like giants and went home happy as hell. i got soap from his mom.. appreciaed after the 3 days of not showering.. we spent a couple of nights getting wasted at jacobs me and my cousin. john and jacob. playing video games and just loving ourselves. the way we deserve to be loved. yesterday i went out to jacobs dads and my grandpas for supper.. late supper it turns out.. jacobs dads was fun we all made fun of eacother the way familys do. drank beer played poker and skinnydipped in the hot tub.. i went to my grandpas with my brother and my cousin. my brother said all but 2 words the whole nite.. i spent my time with my cousin stuffing our faces and talking to my grandpa. i never knew the man had such an interesing life and i had no idea..
he was an oil rig engineer who traveled the world.. spent time in africa and england setting up oil lines.. he showed us a tape from africa which they had smuggled out in crates of pipe..we saw his collection of over 600 trucker hats from gas stations and truck stops around the world. whcih by the way i made sure would be my inheritance. i mean come on thats a new hat every day for 2 years.!! we drank some good old fashioned moonshine straight from the tub.. and played a bit of poker. my brother spent a large part of the night playig with a big green balloon.. i think he enjoyed himself.. he giggled and its hard to fake that..so we left a bit early to go pick up jacob and his now uber drunk sister in law.. who was by the way hilarious.. she gave me 3 pina coladas upon my arrival. she was a drunk she liked to drink. but she shared.. which is rare among drunks and one thing i admire about her.. other then that she slured in my ear the rest of the way home while only once stopping to pee on the road. and taking that oppertunity to show us her freshly creamed ass. its good to be home.. though i miss everybody there. more so then i ever expected.. but the future looks exciting if nothing else so i guess ill see what happens..
The fastest math you'll ever do comes right after the moment that the chick you had a one-nighter with about four months ago tells you that she's twelve weeks pregnant.
They're still good!
over the years ive noticed that there are quite a few differences beteween men and women.. now one of the fundementals being that guys have an uncanny ability to hold on to clothing to a point far beyond its passing.. no matter how ragged or how used.. we refuse to throw it away until it can simpy no longer fufill its function.. and even then we sometimes just stash thes relics away .. as if in the future we would have some use for them.. perhaps the cure for cancer lies in pit stains of your nacho mamas t-shirt from highschool gym class.. or the secret to inner happiness in the moldy sould of you old rebock pumps that just dont pump anyomre.. well being of the male persuasion i too have a few of said object .. some stashed away .. and some like this fancy pair of simpsons boxers . are in fact still in use.... now theres always a question as to how long you can actully get away with wearing something like that.. now for me today the coice was made quite simple you see... now i can handle someone call me crap shoes because as the souls of my favorite sneakers bounce in stride as i walk down the street.. or the dirty looks from the soccer moms on the metro as they catch a glimpse of my inner thigh due to a convieniantly located hole in the crotch of my jeans.. but when somebody acuses you of sporting a man thong as you bend over at work.. becase your favorite boxers are haning on by a mere thread at the crack of your ass.. well then it becomes all too clear that the dream is over and its time to say farewell to your faithfull underpants.. even though it hurts and parting is never easy.. you can always stash them away and hope for a cure for cancer.. or perhaps if you give it enough time you can beat victorias secret to the punch .. and be the king of grunge fasion once again..
Diabolical...
Lesson learned
Woke up way too fucking late.. about 12 min before i had to leave typically me.. so i darted out of my room (after checking all my usual porn sites for activity of course) and jumped in the shower like a bat out of barrhead( my own version of hell) and was getting jiggy to the soultry sounds of americain idol clay aiken..who has recently become my hero.. oh how id love to lick his nipples. but thats a story for another time.. so all juiced up on aiken i hop out of the shower .. and plant my freshly washed foot directly into a steamy pile of cat shit! now a few things are running through my mind at this point.. first fuck!! second.. how the fuck! followed by fucking cat!! mother fucker and other words that are too vulgar to mention.. it had appeared that in my haste i had missed said steamy surprise at the foot of the tub.. now the funny thing about this is that yesterday i had accidently (operative word here) locked my roomate out of the house while she was sunbathing in her bikini..could have happened to anybody.. but having discovered her vengefull letter on tne fridge that nite.. i somehow doubt she felt the same way.. so was this the vengance i was to least expect?.. cat poop on my fresthly soaped foot.. i laughed a bit.. washed off the feces and went about my day.. lesson learned..
(what the hell are you starin at!) 
The cat came back!
thats right im back jack! are you ready for this jelly . i dont think so!... its been a while but so much has been going on that it may take me a while to fully catch up.. but ill start of with the most recent and slowly move back on the slow days..
How sweet it is!
Payback is a bitch you cant bring home to mommy!
well school is just about done. well for me anyways.. not for all you suckers who went on strike for the winter..that second vacation coming back to bite you in the ass? well good! while you were kicking back in your sunday slacks.. i was out bustin my balls and freezing my ass trying to get an education.. so now while your stuck in your hot sticky classrooms draming of short skirts and cool breezes .. il be outside that blinding window living a life just out of reach and full of temptation.. hangin with my chosens family and a tall cool budweiser and giving you the finger!
The man with no knows
Back you vultures!
well i just spent the last 3 hours writing up an email to matt good.. so im all out of things to say... so back off vultures! none the less i have a couple of spare jokes for just such an occasion.. so enjoy!
WARNING!
Never... NEVER look a retarded person directly in the eyes. Because once you do, they'll come running at you fists and elbows. And you'll be screaming "No! No!" - but all they can hear is "Who wants cake?"
...and they all want cake.
I pledge allegiance to the dice...
We aren't responsable for that!
I was confronted with a new class of asshole the other day... well the story starts out when i decided to meet my friend amanda, who was down from kamloops (meth capitol of north america.. well so says cbc news ), anyways i was a bit early, as i usaly am to most non academic events.. so i decide hey... why not have a look around the mall.. im too broke to buy anything, but they don't know that...so i trek past the various clothing stores, lingerie stores... shady porn shops and telus booths..and end up in eb games.. seeing what the newest games are.. cause well since playstation 2 and x box came out..i haven't really touched a video game. so ive got the shins blasing in my ears.. (well as loud as the shins can blast..) boping my worries away.. and all of a sudden i hear this somewhat incorerant whine.. almost like when you accidently change the channel when some little kid is watching teletubbies.. yeah that oh shit what have i done shrill reaches my ears.. and im like ok.. somebody died..so i take a look and see some guy leaning over the counter scowel faced and ready to pounce...meanwhile this suit behind the counter just looks like hes seen rosanne bars naked ass.. I laugh.. still a bit wide eyed ... and start listening to the story ... not as if i had much choice considering the store was only about the size of my bathroom.. anyways turns out he's pissed cause he ordered a game.. that was supposed to come out on monday and it wasn't there yet.. so he wanted to take the store demo.. and the suit is like dude thats illegal i cant just give you our demo. you'll just have to wait a couple of days ...So the dice monkey starts raging.. ``I paid for this shit! i was supposed ot have it monday! its friday.. where the hell is my game ! this is bullshit!!!`` so i start cracking up!..he looks at me kind of funny. but i wave him through to continue ripping this poor desk jockey a new asshole...and he does.. so the guy starts calling up shipping companies. and bosses and bosses of bosses. notthing.. so the raging nerd as i like to call him.. just sits there tapping his foot and cowling at this poor guy..it was pretty obvious that he had planned his whole weekend around this game and was most likely going to die if it wasnt in his hands within the next 15 min... which of couse didn't happen so he ended up storming out with a refund a pout on... and his 20 sided dice..
god.. i could understand if it was some rare imported porn or somehing.. but this asshole just made me laugh... i felt like smacking him in the back of the head. and saying go back to your lair dongeon master!
Feel the groove
Episode 1
The begining of an atrocity...
well i guess i've put this off long enough...i was holding out till i could get this blog to look the way i wanted it.. but to hell with it.!. i have too much to say .. and too many people to offend.. well first id like to dedicate all the insanity .. and future lawsuits to one verry special person.. who is the main inspiraton for this ... they know who there are.. or they will soon.. but anyways enough with the pleasentries and on with the good stuff!!
